In the past there seemed to be an ongoing theme in most of my friendships, I was the one who listened while everyone talked and dumped out all their feelings or problems to me. I have read books about this and had some council on this from valued older friends who gave great advice, especially my husband. Realizing now that I don't have to solve, or try to solve people's problems I feel like I may have gone from being a doormat to steering clear of people that seem to have no filter.
The last crazy 'friendship' I had that was from a girl who I had met once before, we seemed to hit it off so we decided to go for coffee together. She ended up pouring out her marital problems, crazy religious experiences, you get the picture. I ended up coming home feeling totally drained and sick. My husband went on to tell me to end it immediately. So I avoided her and I think she got the picture, finally.
I sometimes feel like I have the words 'dump here' tattooed on my forehead.
Anyway I have tried to steer clear of those relationships and I feel like the girlfriends in my life now are great and we share things back and forth. I love my girlfriends (NO this is not about any of you guys).
Recently I have come across a new relationship with a lady here in my town, she has been very helpful to me since we've come here, but she is completely draining! She talks and talks and doesn't stop. We go from hearing one problem to the next, there are times when she has forgotten what she told me an hour earlier and will go on to explain the whole thing again. I feel frustrated by her, I dread when she calls me because I know what the conversation is going to be like and for how LONG it will be.
I don't want to hurt her feelings, she's a nice lady, but come on, I don't have enough hours in the day to sit and listen to someone ranting and raving, nor do I want to sit and be dumped on.
We are planning to go out for coffee this week, as you can tell I am not looking forward to it, I will just have to man up and try to control the conversation as best as I can.
I'm frustrated.....
5 comments:
This is soooo true of me too. Even my mom commented on it when I was a teen how everyone would call me with their problems. It really just means you're a good listener, Jody, but yes, it can be very draining. Even when my BF was going through her divorce, there were days when I told her that I just couldn't handle talking about it with her. The negativity can really rub off if you're not careful. Good luck with the upcoming coffee. Maybe try to think of neutral topics ahead of time (fun vacations, recipes, etc) and keep steering her away from her problems.
cocotte- great advice and I am taking it, thank you!
Hey JJ.
I will say from experience that you have a beautiful heart and a wonderful, calming presence that has touched me in many rough times. I know I'm guilty of taking advantage many a time! (*sorry*)
But, you definitely need to protect your peace and your blood pressure... good luck.
Love ya!
"Suck it up Princess" I think was the best line I've ever heard from a good friend. ;-)
I like that you tagged this boundaries Jod. You said it. Sometimes you have to verbally express the boundary; as some people just don't get it.
I have always been thankful for your gracious ear, compassionate heart, and faithful friendship. (I do realize I'm not always the best at it - thanks for still always being there Jod!) I've learned that good friendships are like a teeter totters (I know I spelt that wrong). Sometimes you are the shoulder, and sometimes you're the one leaning on it. Aquaintances are completely different. Boundaries are still important in both.
P.S. I like Cocotte's advice as well!
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